Drum Beats
by SpaceRanger
Summary: Liara had only ever heard those drum beats once but she spent three years haunted by those damnable beats, making her all too aware of the gapping chasm in her heart.


** DISCLAIMER****: **_All of the characters in this fic are not mine. They are the property of BIOWARE. Hope you enjoy! Comments and complaints welcomed! :-)_

** Author's Note****:**_ Warning! There is massive __**ANGST**__ and Female Shepard Being In Love With Liara T'Soni ahead! If this offends you press the back button now!_

_So again, I hadn't planned on writing this at all. I blame Shepard saying "_Maybe they just fixed me, or maybe I'm just a high-tech VI that thinks it's Commander Shepard._"_

_**This is not the Shepard from the 'Marked' story**, this Shepard's only difference is that she **didn't** (*cough*have Lair of the Shadow Broker Downloadable Content*cough*) get the information from the Illusive Man about the Shadow Broker._

_The drum beats idea came from this: _

_http : / / www. youtube. com/ watch? v=o2UYdQOnT-M (Don't forget to remove spaces)_

_US Navy Full Honors Funeral March. I figure it would be fitting for when Shepard died the first time._

** Drum Beats **

by SpaceRanger

Drum beats.

Liara had only ever heard those drum beats once but she spent three years haunted by those damnable beats, making her all too aware of the gapping chasm in her heart. A never-ending nightmare she can never wake up from. She had woke up once and for a few days - days that felt more like seconds - all was right in the galaxy once more. Then, darkness… but this time it was a nightmare of her own making.

Except for the aftermath of Thessia, Shepard avoided her before and after and Liara couldn't understand why. Unfortunately, there was no Dr. Chakwas on board to discuss the commander with and Joker was too enamored with EDI to be of any help. She would've asked EDI but she doubt that the AI would do any good and she stood by her belief that EDI was a blabbermouth… until Cronos…

Cronos opened her eyes and made her realize that she had seriously fucked up when she left too many words unsaid between them back on Illium. Shepard avoided her because she thought she was nothing more than a VI when Liara pulled away from her after their brief kiss. She wished Shepard told her sooner. But it was Liara's fault, they were bondmates, she should've seen that doubt, should've remembered how well Shepard hides the important things that bother her, and she should've remembered Shepard's bad habit of putting others above herself.

As soon as they returned, EDI wordlessly handed her a datapad… a datapad that listed every reckless move and injury that Shepard had sustained. Liara's throat choked up when she realized that every injury was a major one. Shepard no longer cared what happens to her, the commander had already resigned herself to death.

"I'm still not very good a reading organics but I think Shepard believes that you've moved on and no longer need her."

Stunned, Liara could only stare at EDI in disbelief as every memory of her every interaction with Shepard started falling into place.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid_ was all she can think as her body seized up into an autopilot and the next thing she knew, she was at Shepard's door.

Liara looked around her dazed and confused. She doesn't remember dropping the datapad, she doesn't remember walking towards the elevator, she doesn't remember pushing the button, and she doesn't remember walking out.

She clinched her fist and raised it to her face to stare at it for a bit before taking a breath and knocked once on the door.

It opened and before her is Shepard cleaning out her space, boxes here and there. Most of Shepard's models had been taken down, scattered across her desk, and the commander was in the process of packing away her clothes.

Her entire body froze and she felt her throat squeezes itself again when she realized what Shepard is playing on her music player… drum beats. It would be the second time she's ever heard these damnable beats. Twice too many.

"Liara? What are you doing here?"

_Shepard sounds surprised. Why does Shepard sound surprise?_ She tore her frozen gaze away from the music player to stare at the commander. Shepard's face even looked surprised as well before it shifted into worry.

"Liara?"

_Don't look at me like that… Don't - _

"Liara, what's wrong?" Shepard steps forward. Liara doesn't remember moving again, doesn't remember gripping Shepard's shirt and pulling her close but it doesn't matter. All that matters is Shepard, her commander, her savior, her friend, her lover, her bondmate. The tears that came surprised her, she thought she was all cried out but they still came. Shepard's arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer, and Liara cried harder at the familiar embrace, the feeling of completeness that only came when they were together like this.

"Shh… it's okay… let it out." She didn't know how long they stayed like that, how long she spent soaking Shepard's shirt with her tears. The damnable drum beats continue to sound but Liara could still feel the heart beating beneath her ear. It both soothed her and reminded her that she had wasted this second chance.

"Is this… about your friend?" The cautious question became another reminder and it brought fresh tears to her eyes. Liara stepped back away from Shepard without releasing her grip and dragged Shepard to the bed so they would be sitting side by side like the night before Cronos, before Shepard turned her away, likely in some foolish notion of preventing her from doing something she'd regret. And Liara regretted alright, she regretted not pushing for it more. She moved her hands to cup Shepard's cheeks so that they'd be face to face.

"I love you Shepard." Shepard's eyes widened. _Again with the surprise._ "I was in love with you and I will always be in love with you. There is no one else and there will be no one else. You are my life, my love, my soul. I can't- " More tears.

"Please… please don't make me lose you again. Please! I can't - " Her arms felt heavy and they fell onto Shepard's shoulders and she tightens her grip on them.

"I need to know you're always coming back. Promise me you'll always come back. Please!" Shepard clinches her eyes shut and looks way.

"Dammit Liara." Shepard whispers, and Liara can hear the despair in her voice. "Dammit… Why? Why would you… Does you friend - " Taking Shepard's chin in one of her hands, Liara made Shepard face her once more.

"Look at me Shepard." Shepard reluctantly opened her eyes.

"He is just a friend Shepard, believe me. I was never in love with him and I never joined with him in any way. It never even crossed my mind. It is only you, always you."

"Liara…" Shepard pulled her chin out of Liara's grasp and turned away once more.

"It's better if I don't."

"Shepard!" Shepard sighed the tiredness in her voice matching the expression on her face and the slouch of her shoulders.

"Liara, even if I survive this, then what?" Shepard stood and walked away from her and Liara shivered at the loss. "You'd lose me again either way. I'm Human, Liara. Humans only lived for 150 years at most if we're lucky. It's better for me to die here, in the war. This way you'd only loose me twice instead of three times."

Liara stood up quickly and grabbed on to Shepard's shirt.

"I don't care! Those short years would be worth it!" Shepard moved her hands to gently untangle Liara's from her shirt.

"If it was, then you wouldn't have taken the chance to bring me back."

"I…" There was nothing she could say to that. Shepard smiled, a sad smile that stabbed at Liara's heart.

"You'll find someone else and you'll love them and be happy, happier then you ever were with me. I'm a horrible girlfriend. All I do is make you cry."

"No, never. The only person that makes me happy is you. All I _**want**_ is you. I love you. I'll _**always**_ love you."

"I love you too, Liara T'Soni."

* * *

The war is over, but the Normandy's stranded on some unknown planet.

Communications are out but the crew is trying their best to figure things out. Lieutenant Traynor and Dr. Michel kicked her out and told her with a lot of politeness to go away so they can work.

With nothing else to do, Liara retired to her office. She leaned against the door with a sigh, her mind and her eyes blank and full of nothingness. With a blink she shakes her head once, took a deep breath, and let it out before pushing herself away from the door and to her desk.

She triggered a mechanism at the desk and a drawer opened, the drawer where nothing but a single datapad rests. The datapad contained old video logs she had managed to hack before Shepard left Illium for the last time.

Liara stared uncomprehendingly at the datapad for a few minutes before pulling it out and making her way to sit on her bed.

She stared at the datapad for a few minutes longer, dreading what she would find.

Finally she turned it on and navigated to the last video log, date stamped as the night before Shepard said her last goodbye to her on Illium.

Her information network at the time only gave her a summary - important details she would need to know, like if Shepard need any more credits for her mission or if the Illusive Man was up to something on the Normandy. Now, this log's only purpose is to give Liara a way of hearing her bondmate's voice again.

Liara pressed the play button to find EDI and Shepard in a discussion about seemingly anything and everything while Shepard tried to focus on drinking everything at the bar.

"Shepard, I have a question."

"Ben ski dis dunks Qs ol' ti E. Imma c-cut ya of ater dis. Bed." Shepard laughed and fell off the bar stool, landing with her back on the floor. "Ow!"

"You've taken care of every squad and crew member and their wants. So what do you want?"

"'Ner dri! HIC!' Shepard yelled lifting her cup and laughed once again. When the laugher dies EDI continued,

"I meant when this is all over and there's no Collectors, no Reapers - "

"No war?" Shepard interrupted, sounding serious. There was a long stretch of silence enough that the implants likely already made Shepard sober and coherent once more.

"It's funny… I never wanted to be a Spectre. All I wanted is to be able to fall off the map. Get lost in the stars and retire to a vacation spot somewhere to enjoy peace. But now… " Shepard laughed self-deprecatingly. "Bleh, what was I expecting? Once a street rat always! Boo should know! Boo and I are street rats forever!"

"Boo is a hamster, Shepard."

"Ehhh Hamster, Street Rat, whatevs, same thing. The hell was I thinking? Marriage, old age, and a lot little blue children?" Liara's hands flew up to her mouth feeling sick as Shepard laughed with the zero emotions behind it and when she spoke again it was wistful.

"Don't like kids ya know, never liked them. Hated them. Intolerable little trolls that should never happen. But for her… Yeah…. for her… I'd try… Marriage, Old Age, and a lot of little blue children."

She ran.

She immediately stood up and ran, ran as hard as she could away from her room, away from the crew, away from the broken Normandy, far enough away until she couldn't run any more. Then, she began to hurl, coughing up anything and everything.

The damnable drum beats are in her ears again, getting louder and louder and marching her bondmate's coffin away, taking Shepard to the unknown where she can no longer be reached.

_"Don't like kids ya know, never liked them. Hated them."_

"I'm sorry Shepard."

_"Intolerable little trolls that should never happen."_

"I'm sorry."

_"But for her… "_

"Please… come back. Come back."

_"Yeah…. for her… I'd try… Marriage, old age, and a lot of little blue children."_

"SHEPARD!"

Drum beats.

Liara had only ever heard those drum beats twice but she spends the rest of her life haunted by those damnable beats, making her all too aware of the gapping chasm in her heart. A never-ending nightmare she can never wake up from.

* * *

_A/N: I promise I'll try not to write any more depressing stuff like this anymore. Well, in this category anyways. Next one should be humorous._


End file.
